Random Thoughts

I WONDER....
Do you ever feel this way?
Do you miss me just as terribly as I miss you?
Because I miss you so much, my heart breaks over and over again, each lonely day.
I'm curious if you miss me this way too.

I LOVE.....
Life when I think about spending it with you.
Did you really mean what you said at dinner?
When you said you want the same things as I do?
Please, you must explain things; in this game of love I play beginner.

I'M SCARED......
To give my entire heart to you once again;
I don't want to hurt those ways anymore
Because my past with you was at times hurtfull u must understand.
I want more good time than we had before.

I WANT......
To live my life with you as my husband for life.
Whome I love and TRUST with all of my heart.
To have us be accepted by God and we do whats right in his eyes
because, even now, after everything, there is a bond that just wont rip us apart.

Missing Your Voice

This is bad...

Here I sit, miserably in my room
Simply wishing just to talk to you.

Please, just one simple conversation
not particularly about any certain occassion.

I just miss you so much
Sitting, wishing I could feel your touch.

I want to look at your face
Please, God, just rescue me from this place.

If only we could talk on the phone it,
would make all the world of difference,

Though, most in my life would not condone it,
being with anyone else just wouldn't make sense.

A Whole New Life

This morning, I woke up with a feeling of relief. I'm not quite sure why, but, I think that everything in my life is going to be alright. I got to really devote some quality time to my son and to his father yesterday, We took Tristan to the park, and walked around with him on the little fort thing. There was another couple there with a little girl and they were doing the same thing. Being a family.

I was looking at them and saw Josh looking at me out of the crner of my eye. I wanted to cry, but held it back. We were being a family. I felt it, and that feeling was amazing. We left the park and went to best buy where we found out that Tristan is going to grow up to be a rockstar, because he would not give up the microphone to rockband, and josh and I battled it out on the guitar. (He won, but we all know that knowing how to play a real guitar is what counts :) )

later, we took tristan home and gave him a hair cut and put him to bed. Then Josh asked me to dinner and a movie. We went to coltons and for some reason we had an awesome conersation about how his wants are the same as mine, he just never wanted to be pressured into those things. Telling me that the only hing that matters to him is being a family again. Don't worry i played it cool, or at least tried to, because he made me cry at one point, but, finally after dinner, we went to see step brothers. A movie that we have both been wanting to see for a while, it was a vert good movie, and I guess the point of this story is that we really just had an awesome time.

It reminded me of way back when we were just friends in the beginning. It was very nice. so I guess it just gave me a feeling of relif and no worries for whatever my future holds. with or without Josh.

The pain of you

Myheart now feels the pain
Of love lost with nothing to gain

I don't know what to do
Honestly, I don;t even know how to act.
Everyone tells me that they understand what I'm going through
However, In all actuality, they don't know at all in fact.

The feeling is almost unexplainable...unimaginable
It's like I've fallen ill with a fatal desease
To think your face enteringmy mind first each morning is almost unbearable
Nitetime, It gets worse...costantly fighting off the everlasting desire to have you beside me always ends in restlessness and defeat

At times, it feels as though my lungs begin to tighten
The pain in my chest; as if my heart were bleeding fire
Love, anger, excitment, hurt, resentment, being frightened.
Feelings that cause my sickness because we are no longer "ONE"

Tell me how I'm going to see this through
How am I to survive
When I can only be saved by you
And our long lost love cannot be revived!

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Meeting an angel

ok.

So, this may sound wierd, but have you ever been so lost that you just litterally feel the walls clossing in and it makes it feel like the air is rushing out of the room so fast you just can't breathe?

Well lets just say that one week ago today thats where I was in life.

Then I went to visit a very special friend of mine. In the midst of visiting with her I met a lot of her close friends.

Then I met him.

He is like the older brother that everyone wishes they had. Someone who is genuinely a nice person, that just wants you to automatically be happy. I don't have any clue as to why this guy has been brught into my life, but I want to thank God for him right now. I come there and we get to taling abot my current situation and he is like Oh well u should move here and i can help with this and this etc.... I'm like how does this happen? it's to me a clear sign from God.

He said he does it out of love because thats why we are all here in the first place. I just want to say that I am completly blown away with this guy because I have never met anyone like him. Someone so unselfish, and caring to a complete stranger. Nothing less than amazing.

from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you.

Missing You (you know who you are)

SO, today your moving away. I know that Its hard for you to do, because you will be so far away from us. Especially him. I am very sadtoday, bcause you going away is one step closer to losing you. After everything we have been through and all the wrong you have done to me, I still love you. I miss you dearly. right now I'm four ours away from the place we once togather called home with our son, two dogs, and cat. It kills my insides to think that this is all thats truely left of a great friendship. I am honestly truely, hoping that on day you will realize what you have done to me, know that had we worked togather, we could ave provided a wonderful, loving, two-parent environment for our beautiful son.I'm not placing blame, I just think we both should ave tried harder. Do you understand how I am feeling right now? I Love you. I miss you. I hate you. I wish I never met you. You have relly gottn to the core of me. Now its time for me to fight to get myself back. I want you in my life, but not with the life that you lead. I'm trying to better myself, but in order to do that i need to do things that i know you have no interest in, but is ver important to me.
You know I wonder sometimes, if you miss me. If you miss me so much that you wish that you could take it all back to never do again, so we could be togather. But then I think to myself, surely not. Y would he miss me. He is living as though I was never even there. No one canput on an act that well. Can they? I hope that you read this and realize that this is made for you. I know i made the decision to leave, and a part of me regrets it, Because I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. It has been 1 month exactly to this day, that i left, and its killing me just as bad as the first day I left. I miss your arms wrapped around me tightly every nite. I miss waking up very morning and rolling over onto your chest and us both looking over into the crib and saying good morning to our son. Like I said, its been a mont and it hasnt gotten any better. When is it gonna get better? Why can't you just come around and relize the wrong tat you have done? why can't you realize that you are too self involved.
When is all of this going to happen? will it ever happen? or will I forever wish that things could have been different. Will I always continue to write all of my thoughts and feelings online, so that hopefully one day, you find this, and maybe then you realize what we could have built togather. I'm exhausted. I just want to be happy again. I miss you.

Feelngs of depression

Have you ever felt like you life has completely just in every aspect of life just fallen apart? In the last month I have moved out of my boyfriend/sons fathers house, and am currently living with his babysitter. I was upside down in the vehicle that I had, and they just repoed that today. I quit my job in columbia, five days ago, and the only thing I have to show for all of my hard work over the past 3.5 years, is an empty wallet, and a beautiful 2 year old little Boy.I'm not complianing about my son, don't get me wrong. He is my EVERYTHING, and wouldnt I wouldnt be here now if it wasnt for him.I jsut feel stuck in this house thats not mine, with no way out, and no vehicle. Th worst part about all of this is that the ex-boyfriend was more than just a boyfriend, he was my best friend. we went through i alot of things , MAJOR LIFE things togather, and now we cant even hold a five mnute conversation with out arguing.its very sad> Not to mention in the last week i have developed a health problem that could turn into something very big. I dont know im really just haveing a hard time with everything that God keeps piling on top of me right now. I know the bible says you wont be given more thatn you can handle, but its just like ENOUGH ALREADY!!! how many more things can I handle???? Sometimes I think its a test. but others I just feel completly eaten away. like my whole enire being is just utterly being ripped away piece by piece starting with my insides. Everyone tells me it will get easier, but I'm honestly no sure anymore. If I do come out of it, I will be able to come out of anything.